Damn! What happened to the Carbonel Lady?

AH HELL NO! not her too!

What in the hell happened to the Carbonell lady? When I moved to Spain, I only bought Carbonell, just to see her face. While cooking,I'd let my fingers trace the outline of her voluptuous figure and dream about what old España must have really been like. When I was homesick in San Francisco, I painted her curves onto a small end table that I had found by a dumpster. I looked into her eyes, crying out, "Mi España"!(ok maybe a little dramatic) But she represented the nostalgia that I felt for a truer Spain. A time when when flaky, dry pastries were the bees knees. A time when being a shoemaker meant that you had fucking made it! A time for sobremesas and attending misa. But most of all, it was a time when Spanish people looked like effing Spanish people!

So the question remains, what in the hell happened to the Carbonell lady? The same thing that happened to most Spanish women. She went on a diet, got a nose job and channelled her inner barbie! Porque la imagen joder! Porque el fisico es lo mas importante!(image and the physique are very important!).

Nine times out of ten, when I'm on a date, a spanish guy will reveal to me that a woman's looks are important, if not the MOST important thing(I shit you not). RIGHT? it sounds weird doesn't it? It sounds like something we learned to stop saying more than twenty years ago, after our gradeschool teacher reinforced that beauty was only skin deep.  It sounds like something a 15, 20 or maybe even 25 year old would say, right? The last person to say it to me was THIRTY-FUCKING-EIGHT! Jesus christ! Thats like people walking around saying money is everything.

Now granted theres a lot of Hypocrisy in the world, and many people think these things but don't dare say them. But there is something behind beauty being skin deep and money not being the shizzz. Money corrupts and corrupt people end up living unhappy lives. Beauty is just a shell, without personality, beauty will never come alive. Call me a weirdo, but there are a lot of "ugly" fuckers out there that I find extremely attractive, just because...well...they have something. Like Jorge Lorenzo and his death defying skills on a motorcycle, or Woody Allen(ignore the bad press,for now) and his witty banter. Thats what makes someone sexy!

But hell, I digress. Back to my point. Nine out of ten men tell me looks are important. Then they proceed to tell me that: "But hey, don't worry, you made the cut....you should be HAPPY?" Excuse me? I should be happy that your jobless, bilbo baggins lookin ass chose me!?!?!??!? WHAT? 

SO heres my next point. Do you think I was lucky enough to date nine out of ten HOT guys, guys who would at least have the grounds on which to be so damn judgmental? HELL NO? One was  a fat ass, the other unemployed, the other still wearing the same T-shirt since high school, and the only one who was "hot" was boring and stiff.

So heres my question: Who the F*ck do these men think they are???? Please, somebody tell me???

If looks are so important to you sir, then I suggest you never leave your house! Look at you my man, you can't afford for looks to be important to you. You've got Sweat stains from here to Phoenix, theres an icicle of crust hanging out your eye and that nose hair's about to meet your mustache and create a new Hybrid(hipsters take not, the nose hair mustache is a new thing!)

Now I am a woman and I do care for my looks. Hell I'm not going to lie, I probably spend thousands on beauty per anuum. But it takes about forty minutes a day for me to get dolled up, after those forty minutes are up I just don't give a fuck. I spend the rest of the day thinking about my future, my writing or where I want to travel to next. And all in all, I honestly believe that forty minutes is all I need, I'm just as good as the next and if I took longer, then what you would be looking at would be FAKER!

So ladies and Gentlemen of Nueva España... take a break. Take a breather. Doll yourselves up. Go shopping. Do your makeup, do your hair, throw some hair gel on and for the love of God:Cut that Nose hair! And then....go read a book. Find out about a new country. Learn a new language. Explore the world. Go to a museum. Meet someone interesting who doesn't live up to your "standards". Have incredible sex with an ugly person(stranger things have happened). and then.....FUCKING GET OVER YOURSELVES!

Thank ye, Thank ye very much!

(I've been wanting to write that for a looooooong time!)