So yeah, I'm back. I was gone for a hot minute and then something inspired me to give my story another shot.
Here's the deal. Back in college, like most I made some crappy decisions. Funny thing about college, a lot of your crappy choices actually look "like a really good idea" at the time. Some people dropped out, others did too many drugs but I just dated assholes. Its not that I particularly liked assholes, especially not overt ones, but as we all know, they tend to have special talents at making our toes tingle.
At some point the plot in my story had me dating three guys almost simultaneously and while desperately chasing my main dude and hoping he could somehow...fall in love with me?All the while he had absolutely no interest in doing so but definitely reveled in all of the perks of having a young naive girl "after him."
A few years later I was pretty embarrassed and tormented by that whole episode in my life. I swore off idiot douchebags like that guy and somehow still stumbled into new types of idiot douchebags, this time more cleverly disguised. You know the ones. The guys that are waaaaaaaay too in love, way too fast and end up acting all controlling and crazy. So finally in an attempt to avoid douchbaggery all together, I focused on myself and ignored the existence of guys, dating, love and all that stuff. Now I know theres some one percenter here bemoaning the tiresome " not all guys are aaaaasssholes" and if that guy really practices what he preaches...then call me ;)
Oh wow I digress. So a few years after my weird, wacky college experience, I decided to write about it. Ah yes, I wanted to write a memoir about dating douchebags in Spain.My writing teacher was generous and she still tore my work apart. Now looking back on it I can't help but cringe at the way I reflected on my experience. It was either waaaaaay too good or too tragic. A symptom of what they call "bleeding on the page", except I oscillated between bleeding and delusional bliss, which was not totally inaccurate, I did feel that way at the time. To my defence, I did a hell of a lot of uppers back then. And even though I felt that dumb and giddy, doesn't mean I have to look it. I'm still inspired to write this book because I want women to know that everyone gets into these messes and then back out. The important thing is not to cling onto people like that your whole life. And even if it takes time, get rid of them, brush it off and then do you. I also wanted to write my story because men in Spain have taken the liberty to be exceptionally douchey and it needs to stop. Finally, I want this piece to strip away the supposed power that men believe they have whenever they leave young, naive women in vulnerable situations. The voice that we emerge with is enough to stomp out their ridiculous facade of strength. If it were real, then guys wouldn't be so terribly sensitive whenever karma bit them in the ass and the same things they do to women is done to them. If it were real, men wouldn't feel the need to insult women's looks to keep them needy or create drama between women to feel important. These are all signs of reacting to what they view as an imminent threat.
If women ever found out that men are even more vulnerable to betrayal, cheating and abandonment than we are, then we would have gotten smarter, faster. But our good-natured and often dumb ways of always wanting to see the good in others(especially a significant other) is what keeps as running back for more and more until we can't no more.
But hey, I don't want to play the victim here, I take full accountability for my bad decisions. But the way in which certain others saw advantage in my weakness won't go untold.
Im glad to be looking back with the eyes of a more rational, wise, goal oriented individual. Im pretty sure im not perfect and will make plenty more stupid mistakes in my life, but I just want to stand in my truth and tell you my version of just what happened.
Enjoy
