Im Back

So yeah, I'm back. I was gone for a hot minute and then something inspired me to give my story another shot.

Here's the deal. Back in college, like most I made some crappy decisions. Funny thing about college, a lot of your crappy choices actually look "like a really good idea" at the time. Some people dropped out, others did too many drugs but I just dated assholes. Its not that I particularly liked assholes, especially not overt ones, but as we all know, they tend to have special talents at making our toes tingle.

At some point the plot in my story had me dating three guys almost simultaneously and while desperately chasing my main dude and hoping he could somehow...fall in love with me?All the while he had absolutely no interest in doing so but definitely reveled in all of the perks of having a young naive girl "after him."

A few years later I was pretty embarrassed and tormented by that whole episode in my life. I swore off idiot douchebags like that guy and somehow still stumbled into new types of idiot douchebags, this time more cleverly disguised. You know the ones. The guys that are waaaaaaaay too in love, way too fast and end up acting all controlling and crazy. So finally in an attempt to avoid douchbaggery all together, I focused on myself and ignored the existence of guys, dating, love and all that stuff. Now I know theres some one percenter here bemoaning the tiresome " not all guys are aaaaasssholes" and if that guy really practices what he preaches...then call me ;)

Oh wow I digress. So a few years after my weird, wacky college experience, I decided to write about it. Ah yes, I wanted to write a memoir about dating douchebags in Spain.My writing teacher was generous and  she still tore my work apart. Now looking back on it I can't help but cringe at the way I reflected on my experience. It was either waaaaaay too good or too tragic. A symptom of what they call "bleeding on the page", except I oscillated between bleeding and delusional bliss, which was not totally inaccurate, I did feel that way at the time. To my defence, I did a hell of a lot of uppers back then. And even though I felt that dumb and giddy, doesn't mean I have to look it. I'm still inspired to write this book because I want women to know that everyone gets into these messes and then back out. The important thing is not to cling onto people like that your whole life. And even if it takes time, get rid of them, brush it off and then do you. I also wanted to write my story because men in Spain have taken the liberty to be exceptionally douchey and it needs to stop. Finally, I want this piece to strip away the supposed power that men believe they have whenever they leave young, naive women in vulnerable situations. The voice that we emerge with is enough to stomp out their ridiculous facade of strength. If it were real, then guys wouldn't be so terribly sensitive whenever karma bit them in the ass and the same things they do to women is done to them. If it were real, men wouldn't feel the need to insult women's looks to keep them needy or create drama between women to feel important. These are all signs of reacting to what they view as an imminent threat.

If women ever found out that men are even more vulnerable to betrayal, cheating and abandonment than we are, then we would have gotten smarter, faster. But our good-natured and often dumb ways of always wanting to see the good in others(especially a significant other) is what keeps as running back for more and more until we can't no more.

But hey, I don't want to play the victim here, I take full accountability for my bad decisions. But the way in which certain others saw advantage in my weakness won't go untold.

Im glad to be looking back with the eyes of a more rational, wise, goal oriented individual. Im pretty sure im not perfect and will make plenty more stupid mistakes in my life, but I just want to stand in my truth and tell you my version of just what happened.

Enjoy

El Ligoteo: "Siempre Negatifo, Nunca Positifo"

"Guapaaa! Tia Buena! Guapoooo!"

Os acordais de esos maravillosos dichos españoles? De esa manera tan extraña de ligar nombrado, poner en valor a la otra persona? Porque sera que esos dichos hoy en día son tan escasos, que ya ni se pronuncian tales expresiones?

Hoy en dia el ligoteo mas bien parece una guerra civil a la que las mujeres acuden llevando su mejor armadura; el maquillaje, mientras que los hombres tiran grandes artillerías; los hachazos. Hoy en día parece que el "tener sentido del humor" es dejar que los demás nos haga de menos. Pero que raro, porque a mi cuando me lo hacen, me tengo que reír, pero cuando se lo devuelve al chico.....se pica!?!?

Vamos a dar un paso atrás y empezar desde lo mas básico; la psicología del genero. Como ya he explicado en otros posts, las mujeres y los hombres son distintos en cuanto a su manera de expresar su falta de autoestima(y aquí chicos, el que no falte de autoestima, que tire la primera piedra).

Cuando a un hombre(o niño, niñato) le falta autoestima su reacción suele ser tener que afectar a los demás a través del control y la dominación. Esto no es un azar, ni es algo que acabo de concluir a base de mis propias experiencias con los niñatos, digo hombres. Eso es porque cuando un miembro de un genero se siente inseguro, tira de los patrones de su genero para autoafirmarse y en el caso de los hombres, su patron mas poderoso es el control y la dominación de los demás. Esto no siempre se manifiesta hacia una mujer, se puede manifestar incluso hacia un amigo mas sensible que el....pero se manifiesta.

Por otra parte tenemos a las mujeres. Cuando una mujer tiene el autoestima bajo tiene una tendencia a culpabilizares, ser docile, deprimirse y muy lamentablemente: la autodestrucción. Que pareja mas perfecta. Uno que quiere afectar, dominar y controlar, y otra que toma lo malo que desprenden los demás como culpa suya y empieza a autodestruirse delante de nuestros ojos. Sera una casualidad  que después de salir de una relación abusiva una mujer destruye su cuerpo con la anorexia? Y mas bien, habra mejor manera de controlar a una persona que atraves de su autoestima? El famoso escritor Judeo, y ganador de un premio Nobel, Viktor Frankel dijo que lo que mas le marco de sus años en un campamento de concentración no fue ni los latigazos, ni el trabajo, ni la falta de comida o la perdida de su familia, sino el abuso verbal que tuve que escuchar de los SS. Otro estudio, que demostró que la falta de autoestima afecta hasta a los animales y bichos, demostró que cuando pusieron una pulga en un vaso tapado, intentaba saltar un par de veces sin poder...por la tapa, claro. pero cuando quitaron la tapa la pulga solo saltaba hasta la altura de donde estaba la tapa, sin poder salir por lo que el creía que era una barrera de sus capacidades....por la perdida de esperanza.

Ahora te vuelvo a preguntar; hay algo que mejor puede estar usado para controlar a una persona que su propio autoestima? Si la pulga cree que no puede salir del vaso, no va a salir. Y que pasa si quisieras controlar a un poblado, una nación, el mundo entero? No seria mas fácil si todos tuviéramos el autoestima bajo; los hombres como reacción necesitaban controlar a las mujeres y las mujeres a cambio se echaban la culpa y se auto destruyeron?

Dicen que cuando peor autoestima tiene un país, mas los géneros están divididos en su rol de hombre masculino y mujer femenina. Y con esto concluyo que España sigue siendo un país machista y con poco autoestima(ooooooo, lo ha dicho, lo ha dicho). España no es un país machista solo por unas estadísticas de violencia hacia el genero, ni por un pago absurdo que recibimos por el mismo trabajo. España es un país machista porque una mujer chistosa, es rara. Una mujer que se expresa en voz alta es una borde o chonni. Una mujer que se tira un pedo en frente de su novio es asquerosa. Es un país machista porque los estándares de la delgadez requieren dejar de comer enteramente, causando anorexia, osteoporosis y hasta la muerte. Que clase de hombres no quieren que coma su querida mujer?

Tomar nota chicos, que soy la meta

España también es un país machista porque los hombres tienen que tener barbas y cachas para ser hombres. Porque tienen que ser altos, cuando los españoles siempre han sido genéticamente bajos de toda la vida(menos unos cuantos deformados jajajaj). Es un pais machista porque los hombres no tienen el derecho a sentirse humillado por una mujer, y llorar por ello. Porque no deben de quedarse en casa a cuidar sus hijos. Porque un hombre sensible debe de ser un cornudo.

Ves chicos, el machismo nos afecta a todos. Somos todos el yin y el yang, una parte hombre y otra parte mujer. Al no poder expresar tu parte escondida femenina y yo no expresar mi parte masculina nos garantizamos un fallo en nuestro autoestima.

Bueno, ya que mi discurso se hace largo(pero  very interesting) os llevo a mi tesis original. Porque coño los tíos tiran hachazos pa ligar, mientras que las tías se hacen cada vez mas exigentes y superficiales? Pues por el corte ingles. Si coño, vuelve a lo que acabo de decir antes. No hay mejor manera de dominar a un pueblo que por su autoestima. Aquí en España como ya sois todos atractivos, morenos, exóticos, vamos mas guapos que un puto güiro cara pan, pues os han dicho que en vez de atractivos...no llegais. No llegas a la meta, la cumbre, la

cima. De echo, tal y como os lo han planteado, llegaras a la cima del Kilimanjaro antes de sentirte bien contigo mismo en este ambiente. He visto a hombres tanto como mujeres, verdaderamente impresionantes, machacandose porque toda su vida le han contado que no han llegado a la perfección. Es un poco el opuesto de lo que hacen los americanos. Si se ponen muy racistas, toma un presidente negro, si se ponen muy gordos, toma ahora nos gustan las curvas. 

Cada uno tiene su metodo, y lo siento pero la de España hoy en día....no funciona, va mal. A mi, España nunca me gusto por su ¨belleza estetica¨ni me parecieron los españoles tan guapos comparado con otras razas(que mas da si a mi me gustan los feos con sentido del humor, jejej). A mi lo que me gusto de españa era el caos, el arte. Me gusto como me hacia reír la gente. Me gusto como se llenaba el dos de mayo de peña, o como todo el mundo se pasaban los porros en el retiro los domingos. Nadie sabia quien era el otro, pero ya éramos todos amigos. Me encantaba como las chicas cogian su pelo rebelde y lo metia en un medio moño, dejando caer unos rizitos sugerentes. Me enamoraban de las sonrisas de payaso de los chicos, de como te cogian y te hacian bailar en las discotecas y te acariciaban la chicha con cariño y te decían lo que les gustaba que seas blandita.

A mi no me mola eso de los hachazos. No me mola eso de faltar al respeto, e intentar llegar a la meta estupida e imposible....parecemos tontos! Pero como soy media mona y tendré unas moléculas mejor colocada que otras, los tíos siguen allí pensando que soy una exigente, creída, flipada y que habra que hacerme de menos. Pues que sigáis chicos....que me molan mas las chicas de todas maneras...jajajaj. Y gracias eh, si no fuera por vuestro maravilloso comportamiento, no tendría de que inspirarme para mi maravilloso blog y mi maravilloso camino hacia la Libertad.

Y para l@s demás, los que quieren salir del ciclo vicioso de los hachazos, rechazos y bajo autoestima.....a tu bola. Enamorarte de ti misma, busca la belleza artística. Porque a través del arte, se liberan las mentes. A través de la naturaleza se encuentra la verdadera perfección.

"Oh God, Not another Femi-Nazi!"

"It's men with low self-esteem who give women and other men the most problems, from subtle condescension to grandiosity and outright violence."
-Gloria Steinem

Ladies, raise your hand if you have ever been in a relationship with a man who has hit you or used words to slash your self esteem and make you feel lower than himself?

Raise your hand if there has been more than one. Raise your hand if you have friends or family who have gone through similar shit?

Now did this happen because you were on drugs, wear skimpy clothes or are extremely emotionally unstable? Did you meet these men in the gutter? Or on college campuses, offices and well reputated areas? Did all of these men come from extremely dysfunctional backgrounds? Or were they actually raised in fairly decent environments, come from good families and were bread to be “normal” people? And finally, were you and all your friends into “bad boys” when you met these guys, or were you just looking for a regular guy to treat you well and have a stable relationship with?

Ok, so let me get this straight, the statistics of women being abused by men is not something you just hear about on the news, about far away women in far away places??? It is happening to you and your friends.?It is not an outdated, old fashioned phenomena, it is happening to young women. It is not happening to provocative, out of control, or unstable women, who looove bad men and clearly had it coming to them? Instead it is happening to anyone who has the misfortune of crossing a gender bully.

Ladies a new occurrence has happened within our everlasting gender feuds....women have given in and men have lost control. For all of you who “don't need feminism” because of this or that, or because you're hot, or are not a “man hater”, please do not come crying back here when it happens to you. For those of you who think every woman who's met a bad man, or been beaten or abused must have a self esteem issue or be dysfunctional, then next time you get robbed and complain about it I'm going to call you a thief magnet, who was clearly provoking someone to steal shit from you.

However, stigma is stigma, and feminism has turned into the dreaded feminazi. Twitter has spread that idiotic #I don't need feminism “movement.” For all of you who don't need feminism, please take a look at this:

Rihanna after boyfriend, Chris Brown Physically Abused her

This is the face of a beautiful, successful and well educated woman who got her ass handed to her by her boyfriend, in a contemporary, civilized country where gender issues no longer exist....right? You fucking need feminism, like we all need the police, as soon as shit truly hits the fan. Thats when we all come crying back to our protectors of morality, yet condone them as soon as we are living our cushy, comfortable lifestyle. But its no longer safe in your urban upper class areas, because gender bullying has become subtle. It is starting at much younger ages and sets women up for a lifetime of hurt and misfortune when it comes to her relationship with the opposite sex. It causes deep seated resentment, pain that is almost palpable and bruises the self esteem. These are the types of problems that do not end once the outer wounds heal, they take years to go away.

For the sake of not falling into stupid stereotypes or stigmas that people have around the word feminism I would like to contribute a new terminology to this entire situation, so that anyone suffering this type of situation can have the courage to unite with others in the same boat without fear of becoming totally ostracized or called an “insert-gender-here- Hater.”

Gender bullying is what I refer to when a member of a gender uses his attributes or innate social advantage to create a false sense of superiority over members of the opposite gender. Gender bullying occurs through rhetoric, physical violence, de-humanizing and chronoically mistreating the opposite sex. Gender bullying starts before puberty, when small distintions in gender are used to create a superior and an inferior, a winner and a loser and usually solidified from the teenage years into the late twenties when courtship, or finding a mate is used as a way to fully establish the idea of a dominant and a subordinant person.

Recently,with the backlash of “those dreaded women” who actually saught to be treated equally, came a need for the opposite sex to make weakness within females an inside job. That is to say, instead of going out into the Real World and finding a male chauvinist pig for a boss, sexually harassing you, the gender bully is sitting on the couch waiting for you to get home. We are in relationships with them. Not because we condone it, but simply because we get caught in it, we get hit by it and by the time we realize what is in front of us, we have already been weakened. Kind of like that famous frog put into warm water, who doesnt know that the water is slowly reaching a boiling point until he is dead.

There are many shapes, forms and situations of gender bullying and because this is such a large and complex issue, for now I am only going to focus on the most basic point: the male-female relationship.

I would like to unravel a basic Gender-Bullying situation in the hopes that we can begin to identify and stand up to this increasing problem.

Basic Gender Bullying in the Male-Female Relationship

1. A man who appears fairly normal, comes from a decent background, is educated and has a job shows an interest in a female(you!). He shows a strong interest in pursuing you until you show the slightest interest in him. Now the ball is in his court.
2. He engages in what they call in spanish “dar una de cal y otra de harena” which means giving complements followed by digs. This step is important because it stuns the woman and leaves her in a constant state of shock where she can never fully understand the signal the man is sending her.  Back in the day, men did this because they believed that nice guys finished last and that they should “kind of be a jerk” in order to impress a women. However nowadays, this is used to clasp what I call a  low self-esteem anchor around a womans' legs. That is to say, if you stunt a womans self esteem, she will feel unable to walk away from a man, as she will feel she needs the man in question to improve her self esteem, which he will do temporarily before he proceeds to insult her again and so the cycle continues.
3. Sex is used as a form of control and any form of pleasure towards sex or approval, encouragement, compliments that you give to the man are used as advantages that the man takes over you. Instead of using your kindness as a “truce” towards his internal battle against women, he uses it as a point in which he sees you with your guard down and can easily take advantage of you.
   Sex is also used as a way to impose physical expectations about your body, hair color and dress. Once you have become naked and vulnerable to a gender bully, he can use your intimacy to make small remarks about what he has found inadequate about you in order to keep you down.
4. You begin to feel exhausted and like something is wrong with you. You think you might be depressed because of something else. You may even have muscle pains or start to look less attractive. Like anyone being bullied, your vital energy has been drained, but unlike in bullying situations which have been openly identified and publicized through the media, you do not know exactly what is wrong with you. Since the man you are with is not constantly a jerk, nor does he leave scars on you for others to see, you do not know how to understand or express what is happening to you. You try to seek compassion from others, but often any signs of standing up for women is shrugged off as being a “Femi-nazi” or “Man-hater”. You are afraid that if you raise your voice or show yourself to be less than docile, you will be shunned as undesirable by most men.
5. Somehow, you finally get out of this toxic situation, however, you are still not completely sure what happened. Was he nice or a jerk? Was it him or your own self esteem? Will your girlfriends look at you as a failure, or will they understand? What you may not know is that your are still vulnerable from what has happened to you and as in all bullying situations, you unconsciously attract more gender bullies. The mere fact of explaining your last relationship with uncertainty instead of saying : “He was an asshole and it was not my fault.” can make you seem docile and easy to take advantage of. But ofcourse can't you imagine shouting the previous statement and immediately being labeled a “manhater”, “dammaged,” or emotionally unstable?

Like in all my posts, I never delve into situations without a self-help silver lining. Although the ones who really need help are the gender bullies, you will have to heal yourself to make sure these types of people star far far away from you. And I will need to underline that gender bullies are becomming more and more common these days. They are common because we keep falling for it. We keep thinking that changing the way we look, feeling inferior and becomming docile is a natural part of being in a relationship. It is total BULLSHIT.

Here are my steps to Healing from Gender Bullying.

1. Use the steps I just described to Identify the situtation. In the case of a male/female relationship, it doesnt just happen with boyfriends, it could be a date, a hookup or a long time friend who wants something more from you. Any man looking to gain sex from you could be a potential gender bully. Another way to identify the bully is if he himself has low self-esteem, which he will usually confess to you as a sweet vulnerability,met with a sting of backlash that he throws in your face. Here's an example:
   Gender Bully: Yeah, so i recently lost my job.
   Girl: Oh don't worry, we've all been there.
   GB: Yeah you would know wouldn't you.

That subtle insult just makes you raise an eyebrow long enough where you feel the dig, but are labeled crazy for calling it out. Another sign of a gender bully is how you feel around them. Any signs of anxiety, unease or even nausea mean RUN.

Remember gender bullies can even pull drive bys on just one date, they don't need a reason, the reason is them and they are losers looking to find a woman to put down.

2. Once you have identified gender bullying situations, they could be repeated bad dates, bad conversations online or an asshole ex boyfriend, its time to go sexless. I know it sounds extreme, but it truly is for the very best. There is a 100 percent chance that your vibrator will give you an orgasm everytime you use it. A gender bully may do the same if he's amazing(which he most likely is not) however, the aftermath of all his jabs will completely counter whatever pleasure you have felt with him. The next reason to go sexless is that you cannot be in an alert state of mind, scanning the area for gender bullies while you are under the influence of sexual domination. Sex is an act which invariably makes women vulnerable and steps into their intimacy. If that vulnerability has been abused and that intimacy violated then it is time for a cleanse. Instead I urge you to use your body as a canvas for art in any way that interests you. Make your body as beautifull, healthy, well fueled and pleasing to your own eye as it can be. You are in charge of your temple.
3. Use education to counter emotional scarring. The more you know the more powerful you become. Sculpt your body into something beautiful and fill your mind with knowledge. Grab a hold of anything that interests you and explore it. Also, when you are ready, continue reading about other strong women or people who have stood up to bullies in general. Become knowledgable of other situations of oppression such as racism or socio-political genocide and understand that all oppression bleeds the same. The down trodden are universally the same so channel those who lead the down trodden, the great leaders, and become inspired by such figures. You will notice that they were all more evolutionary advanced, intelligent, peaceful and most importantly, that their powerful memories outlive those of the worlds famous bullies.
4. If need be, see the gender bully for who he truly is: under evolved. He is a caveman who feels that he is losing control of what the world falsely promised him: an inferior gender at his disposal to step on. Use your mind to slap his false sense of glory off of his face to expose a low life loser who has used bringing the opposite sex down to somehow get ahead in life.

5. Now that your temple is beautiful, your mind is full and that beer bellied basterd starts to look more and more like a run down buick than a ferrari, walk with your head held high. And the next time you chose to get back out there, keep it way up high, with your guard and sense of alertness at the exact same level. If they don't make the cut, fuck it, just keep doing you!
   Hope you enjoyed this post ladies and good luck out in the Jungle!

San Sebastian: The many Faces of Racism

Ah San Sebastian. One of the top destinations to visit in Spain. A place of Beautiful scenery, Gorgeous food and well....so many friendly, welcoming, faces. 

Or is it?

Now I understand that what I am about to write will cause a lot of polemic for those who don't agree with, or don't understand my experience....but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

For a long time the basques have been known for their angry disdain towards outsiders and their long rivalry with southern, or Andaluz spanish people. Those who are from other countries may know about racism or xenophobia, but few know about regional xenophobia, until they come to spain.

You see, Spain is divided by Autonomous Regions which all have distinct economies, cultures, languages and even races. The southern, or Andaluz are known to be a moorish mix(with darker arab features) whilst northerners are known for their fairer hair and eyes. The stark difference in regions sometimes leads to rivalry and other times to flat out rejection of their own countrymen.

Although I am "darker" and have been told that I look Andaluz,I've never had a  problem  when I visited other northern regions(Galicia, Asturias, Navarra, Cantabria) but here in San Sebastian...well, things are a little different.

It started on the train ride over here. Lady looks at me. Lady looks at me again, and again, and again. The train ride was five hours long, so you can imagine how crooned her neck was by the time we arrived.

"HMMM, she must be curious," I thought, choosing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I'm no fool, I clearly recognise xenophobia when I see it, but I choose the benefit of the doubt so as not to let others' bad behaviour poison me.

Then it happened in the station upon arrival. Cab after cab swooshes past me.

"Hmmmm, im sure they didn't see me"

Then in the hotel: stand-offish, taking forever to serve me, giving priority to others etc.

Then the restaurant.

But when it finally happened on the Paseo Maritimo, I took no more. Dirty look, after dirty look, after dirty look after.... you get the idea.

Now I know a lot of people who handle racism in a very different way. They go from denial, to sadness, to self blame. Well this is exactly how racism works to put people down. I am lucky to have experienced both racism and total equality in my life, so I know when to put my foot down and call the situation out for what it is.

Whats more, after the box office hit Ocho Appellidos Vascos, a hilarious comedy which pokes fun at the Basques clear disdain for Andaluz people, it is no longer a mystery that something's rotten in San Sebass'. But its funny on the big screen, its not that funny when it happens to you.

So yes ladies and gents, I have been given the psychological boot for my darker, maditerranean features, to which I say: NOT COOL. 

And whenever I  am given this treatment for free, I take the exact same measures I always do, and encourage anyone who has been through this to do the same.

1. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT blame yourself. You have every right to the same equality and respect with which you treat others.

2. Do not waste your smiles and politeness on rude, unfair people. Greet them with the same standoffishness that they have given to you. Do not engage in eye contact, because they don't deserve your energy.

3. If you feel its right, don't give money to commerces in which you are treated poorly. Id rather eat a greasy kebab where I'm treated with Respect, than fine dining where I'm treated like sh*t.

4. Don't give your power away, stand up for yourself, but pick your battles wisely.

So after the fifteen hundredth dirty look I finally put my foot down. If your going to invade my privacy, then I'm going to invade yours right back. I pulled out my phone and snapped a couple pictures. I also did this because a lot of times when we talk racism and xenophobia, people just don't believe you, mostly because they haven't lived it and they see you as equal to them. I love them for that, but No! my blonde, light eyed, friends DON'T know what its like.

So don't take my word for it. Have a look at the many faces of racism(note the look on their faces was there BEFORE they saw me take a picture)

clearly, by the look on these peoples faces, I must be an Axe murderer! :)

..............Riiiight?

Toodles Friends and Remember:

Stand Up For Your Rights!!!

The Pain Body: A Cat in Heat

My cat is in heat right now. This means that she moans and wails all day, constantly nagging about her pain(poor baby, I know). However, there exists a strange phenomena in all of this. Whenever I put her in the kitchen and shut the door(with food and water of course), thus leading her to believe that no one is around, she simply stops nagging and goes to sleep.

The Pain body works in quite the same way. Without a person to nag to, manifest itself, compare itself to, or be reminded of itself, it simply goes to sleep.

But before we delve in, let's take a look at what the Pain Body is. First of all, the word pain body is still considered to be a part of new age jargon, but is considered by spiritualists, healers and massage therapists to be a very real thing. Have you ever felt like you were being tortured inside as you relived a traumatic moment of your life?

Perhaps you had a panic attack or tense muscular contractions shot down your back? Why should you feel all that pain about something which is over? Well, when we contemplate our pain, our cells and muscles remember this and so create a connection between the emotions and our physical well-being. So even after the trauma has ended, all it now takes is a simple thought to reactivate the pain body cells.

So what does this mean about overcoming the pain body.....that we should isolate ourselves in a kitchen?!

Not necessarily, as you will only begin to nag and over manifest the pain to yourself, inside your head.

It means that you should use discipline to tell your pain body to SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Tell it to stop nagging both to yourself and to others. You are no longer in pain, you are no longer in danger and rationally you HAVE learnt from your pain(hopefully).

Therefore the only thing the pain body does by constantly nagging, is re-manifesting itself and attracting new pain.

Here are some tips on how to overcome the pain body.

1. Surround yourself with good, or at least neutral people. Many people from your past who know your history will want to use it as a prejudgement and label you. They may use your mishaps, mistakes or tragedies as a means of placing you beneath them(or REACTIVATING your pain body so that you don't heal). This is a clever way to deflect  from their own pain, mishaps, mistakes and insecurities.  Do not seek approval from these people, instead become diplomatic and do not reveal your inner self to them. Or if you really don't give a shit, just cut them out.

*You have to use Strict Discipline to find good people and cut out bad people, because at this moment you are naturally more attracted to bad people.*

2. Let your pain body go to sleep, while you explore new frontiers. Find things which interest you and are HEALING at the same time. Things like yoga, healthy eating, writing, reading, meditating, sports, nature, massage therapy and art are all things which help heal the pain body.

However, things like unhealthy foods, too much trashy tv, overindulging in sex, becoming sedentary, and spending too much time on the internet(especially on social networks) are things which will numb you from your pain body and allow it to grow more and more and boil beneath the surface.

So when I talk about letting it go to sleep, I don't mean numbing yourself and ignoring it. You must acknowledge its existence but use positive healing activities to create a HEALING BODY, which will overshadow your PAIN BODY.

*You have to use Strict Discipline to engage in healing activities and stop doing numbing activities, because numbing activities are more addictive and appealing. Same goes with healthy foods vs. unhealthy foods.*

3. Stop thinking about it. Why? Because thought is not what got you into the mess, so thought won't get you out of it. Often when we enter abusive relationships for example, we kind of already think the person is fucked up, but put up with them anyway. This is because we are inclined to them, because they activate our pain body....not because we are stupid. We know what is going on. We know the pain is over once the relationship ends. We know that it wasn't our fault that so and and so was a nut.

We also know that it wasn't our fault that our parents got divorced, or that so and so was an addict or died tragically. WE KNOW ALL OF THIS RATIONALLY, so rationale is neither what caused the pain, nor what will get you out of it.

*You have to use Strict Discipline to stop thinking about your pain, because your ego believes that if you think about it enough, you will find a solution.*

So what DID cause the pain?
What caused the pain is an emotional cellular response which is instinctive. When you were born, you had an instinctive response to your mother as soon as you were put on her chest. That cellular response is what created a bond which is crucial to survival.

In fact, in an experiment, a baby monkey was separated from its mother and given two robot "mothers" to bond with. One of the robots was soft and cuddly, while the other was hard, but had food in it. Out of survival instinct, the monkey gravitated towards the soft and cuddly robot. It knew that it needed love more than food. That instinctual survival bond is what people refer to as unconditional love.

So these same cells which create bonds also react throughout life as bonds are broken. It reacts in pain, sadness, depression, detachment, despair and a feeling of abandonment.

So which cells are better for survival, the warm and cuddly ones or the sad and painful ones?

Thats riiiiight, the warm and cuddly ones!

So what do you do if you're at your wits end, noone wants to cuddle and you barely have the strength to pick yourself up and go enjoy yourself to create those happy bonding cells?

You go Heal.

Clear your Schedule and write one word on your Calendar: HEAL

When you eat: Heal

When you Bathe: Heal

When you watch something: Watch something Healing

When you play: Heal

When you do sport: Heal

But remember, the search is not external...so don't be frustrated if all those activities don't "work" right away. The road to happiness is a long internal climb. Forgive yourself. Let go of worry and just let yourself Heal.

And remember if you just acknowledge your pain body, but focus on recreating your happy cells.....the pain body goes to sleep.

All of this in essence, is an acknowledgement that you were born to unconditional love, it was then taken away from you, causing you pain, and making you believe that love is actually conditional and that you may or may not be worthy of it. And now you must re-create love by unconditionally loving yourself.

This self-love is more powerful than the original "unconditional" love that you were given as a child, as no one can take it away from you....you can only give it away.

So there you have it!

Hope this Helps, Heals and spreads Happiness.

Morning blips

Why is it that Starbucks and EasyJet have the same elevator music? Is there a corporate musician who makes jazzy soundtracks especially for franchises?You know kinda like the same guy who used to make corporate office paintings? Remember those!? They were cool...up until everyone decided to "go green" at work and create "open concepts" and lofty creative spaces....

 Geneva is a place where luxury items are souvenirs for tourists and monuments for locals. 

The thing about city people, is that we are constantly fighting against alien forces in our environments. Things like intense pollution, colds and flus of epidemic proportions, and sleeping under streetlights or through constant honking, has made us into superhuman breeds, with gills for lungs and crazy good immune systems and the ability to sleep through a zombie apocalypse. We're like cockaroaches....you country mice will never stomp us  out Muahahaha.

So after a mere two nights of sleeping in a peacefull, quiet, clean environment i notice that i move at hyper speed. Im the supersayan version of myself. Im like, really intense, without even noticing. When people ask me for the time I cock me head around at a perfect right angle and answer them before they've finished their question. It's 11:23 and 32 seconds....beitch

No more coffee for moi!

On Selling yourself: Find your USP

"From this day forward, you are all being watched" said Delia, the headmaster of My New Advertising School.

The thing about ad school, is that it's the only academic institution in which headmasters, staff, faculty and students are all  twenty something. Campus is a hip reformed warehouse, somewhere downtown...preferably in a chi chi artsy area. It's a place where you get to hang out on bean bags, play fuse ball and draw on whiteboard top tables, while peoples dogs frolic around freely(you know, like at Google).

 Despite the entire place looking like a daycare for adults, no one there is having fun. The only communication is a wincing glare every now and then, cast through thick black-rimmed glasses  peering out the corner of a  sleek Macbook Pro(did I mention that the "extremely affordable" laptop was a requirement to enter that school?). I have never seen such jaded people in such a colourful ambience, it was like where clowns went to retire and end their days shooting up heroin.

Day one at Ad school.
I bit down on my bottom lip. I had inconveniently placed myself on the very far right of the room, meaning that I was first to present myself. Though we were officially introducing ourselves to everyone, we had all gotten the low-down on each other the day before at orientation. Hell, we all knew who was who, the teachers all knew who was who. They just wanted to make us all squirm in front of each other, to see who would sink and who would swim.
Perform!
Dance monkey, Dance! That was ad school for ye.

I was screwed. I hadn't worked at Coca Cola like the guy with the cool 'fro from Atl. I didn't just whimsically switch careers from interior design to advertising like the old timer over there, nor was I a big time painter like the brooklynite with the mirrored aviators on. I was just little 'ol me, with sweat now profusely pouring down the back of my neck.

I stood up quickly, still half stuck between my desk and chair.

"hiiii" my voice quivered. So....I'm a mutt....

Need I say more for you to know that I bombed my introduction....just like I bombed many more intros, presentations, pitches and idea boards at that school. I just couldn't perform.

And yet in college I Aced public speaking, I was the official announcer at all of our High school sports tournaments and I loved(but I mean LOVED!) presentations....I even brought props sometimes!(too much?)

But in the dog eat dog world, all I could find to sell myself was...I'm a mutt.

Why, you might ask?

Because in my little microcosm of happy internationals and hippies, there was no need to sell yourself. I   mean call it kumbaya, but where I came from, who you were was pretty much enough(Awwwwww, isn't that sweeeeeet). In fact, to us, selling yourself often looked contrived and arrogant. Like people were twisting and overdoing ever bit of their existence.

Now, sometimes it was, however nowadays when it comes to doing the things I really want to do, you better believe I left Kumbaya behind and learned to sell that mutt to make her look like a Class A pedigree(which I am after all ;).

So back to my story. Neither Ad school nor the Ad world was the place for me, no regrets on dropping out by the end of the first quarter(none at all!). But it brought me to an important place. Writing.
Thank god we had to take creative writing in Advertising school.

Unlike in every other class where I was snickered at, mocked, constantly criticised, talked over and put down...from the moment I walked into writing class, from the first scene I read, I saw those same bastard's jaws drop!(sorry to brag, but come on, I had to show those bullies my talent) I knew that if I could impress them, then with a lot of hard work(and im still getting there)  I could impress a lot of people.

The other thing I found out about in ad school  was creative pressure. For those of you who complain about corporate pressure and to everyone else my age who talked to me about their masters programs: NONE of it sounded like advertising school, or creative pressure. Corporate pressure is based on facts. Usually, the fact of something selling... or not. Creative pressure is based on pulling a rabbit out of your hat, making it tap dance and roll its own cuban cigars which it then passes around to smoke with the audience.

And then coming up with a hundred more tricks just like that, just in case they didn't like the first one.

So let's get to selling yourself; the final important lesson that I learned from Ad school.

In advertising, products have what is called a USP, or a Unique Selling Proposition....and guess what...So do You!

A USP is what makes a product absolutely,unequivocally, differentiated from all the other products on the market. But guess what, since products are all just copies of one another....often USPs are not that Unique, the brand however, was just the first to make that claim about the product. Are you confused yet? let me give you an example:

M&Ms: they melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

BAM! there you have it....a USP that will make billions. Granted, candy coated chocolates have been around for ages, but no one ever thought of mentioning how terribly practical they were.

So Instead of saying: I'm a mutt...I could've started with I'm a third culture, trilingual globe trotter who has broken bread with saudi princes and rubbed shoulders with the sons and daughters of United Nations diplomats(true story).Too much? Now, there might be more like me out there....but I said it first!

So how did I Finaaallly learn all of this? The same way I learnt most of life's pearls of wisdom...Dating! And no, I'm not talking about getting bogged down in a hum drum relationship, I'm talking about meeting a slew of young, interesting, professionals while remaining single and keeping all possibilities open.

You see dating is my comfort zone. It's something I have mastered, and I notice that  dates are pretty similar to  job interviews. I'm serious! You kind of have to make the other person relax, adjust your scope to them and sell them a few of your best USPS. In short, you have to make the person sitting in front of you, like you. No matter who they are.

So here's the thing about selling yourself in General.

1. Find Genuine USPs about yourself that you are truly proud of.

2.Capitalize on your USPS....don't talk about TV shows while you're on a date with an Amish guy.....talk about that interesting knitting class you took, or candle making or...beards. Same thing in the professional world. Adjust your USP's to each situation and tap into each person's psyche. Keep doing what works and throw out what doesn't. For example, in the creative world, it's great to mention experience, but talent is your real USP. So even though I hadn't worked at coca cola, and my background(whether I present it as a mutt or globe trotter) wasn't that important...What I should have talked about was a photography contest I won, an article I got published or my high school band.

3. Make up for your weaknesses, by ever so slightly inflating your strengths. You're not quiet, you're a great listener, You're not lazy, you just work better under pressure and your not unsure about your future, you are open to whatever life may throw at you.

And finally, while you are supposed to sell yourself by slightly twisting things, don't flat out bullshit people. Professionals have a keen eye for knowing when you are selling yourself in a league you never made it into. If you really have absolutely no experience, and cannot get away with: "I really love doing this" the best you can do is pull the humble card.

The humble card goes like this:
Hi! I don't know shit about this, but I really want to learn about it...which is why I'm here. And by the way, I want to learn about it from you, because I'm a HUGE fan of your work(insert google research you did on your future professor/employer here)

So there you have it!

Thats all Folks!